my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
