I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
