my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
