Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
