i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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