she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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