p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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