I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
