I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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