I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
