Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
