why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
