I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My butt remains clenched, sir.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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