i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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