it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
