She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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