What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
