Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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