I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
