i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I met the friendliest cop last night
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
