Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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