is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
