Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
