My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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