$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
