whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
