I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
