so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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