Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
