So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
