Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
