I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Your cock deserves a montage
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
