I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
