I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
