either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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