he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
