When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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