After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
