Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
