margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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