I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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