Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
