I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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