things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
nutella sex= disaster
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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