I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
