I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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