Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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