i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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