Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
