it hurts more in the daytime
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
