Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
