I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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