Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
