great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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