someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
