I met the friendliest cop last night
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
